Divorced parents need to love their children more than they hate each other and act accordingly, a divorce expert said Friday in Omaha. They shouldn’t deride their former spouse, make their children bear messages between them, ask kids to take sides or allow a child to use their conflict to his advantage, Dr. Robert Emery said.

“Divorce stinks, and especially for kids,” Emery said in an interview before speaking to close to 100 attorneys, psychologists and others at the Scott Conference Center. “There’s a lot of emotions going on. Despite those, you’ve got to find a way to put the kids first.”

Emery, whose doctorate is in psychology, is a writer and professor at the University of Virginia. The Nebraska Psychological Association organized the workshop at which Emery spoke.Nationwide, about 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, he said.

Statistics in Nebraska and Iowa indicate there has been some decline in the divorce rate over the past 20 years, but the marriage rate also has declined. In Nebraska, 3.3 divorces occurred per 1,000 people in 2008, down from 3.9 divorces 20 years earlier.

In Iowa, 2.6 divorces occurred per 1,000 people in 2008, down from 3.9 in 1988.

Emery said more than one-third of American children now are born to unmarried couples, and similar emotional issues apply to children when those relationships break up, too.

Emery said his insights have been fed by years of research and his own divorce, which occurred 20 years ago. “It’s probably the most difficult thing that I’ve ever been through in my life,” he said. He has since remarried.

Much of his advice was common sense. For instance, he said a parent shouldn’t ridicule the former spouse in front of the child, in part because he’s deriding the child’s own DNA in the process.

The speaker praised a state law, passed in Nebraska three years ago, that requires unresolved divorce negotiations to go to mediation before the case goes to trial. Lorin Galvin, who handles Douglas County’s mediation program, said Douglas County has required mediation in those instances since 1995. Galvin said mediation works well because divorcing couples receive help in making practical plans for how custody will be handled, how children’s activities will be financed and other matters.

Emery said mediation helps the parents fight less and stay more involved with their children. Even after divorce, a couple with children are tied for life by school events, graduations and weddings. Those activities can be extremely stressful for the children unless the parents are able to set aside their own pain and anger, he said.