Fear of divorce deters live-in couples from marriage, especially its social, legal, emotional and economic ramifications, says a new US study. Demographers Sharon Sassler, professor of policy analysis and management, and Dela Kusi-Appouh, doctoral student in development sociology, both at Cornell University, conducted the study.

Roughly 67 percent of the study respondents shared their worries about divorce. However, middle-class subjects spoke more favourably about tying the knot and viewed cohabitation as a natural stepping stone to marriage. However, lower-income women, disproportionately expressed doubts about the "trap" of marriage, fearing that it could be hard to exit if things go wrong or it would lead to more responsibilities but few benefits.

The study also found working-class live-in couples were more apt to view marriage as "just a piece of paper," nearly identical to their existing relationship. They were also twice as likely to admit fears about being stuck in marriage with no way out once they were relying on their partners' share of income to get by.

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Stacy Phillips, Los Angeles celebrity divorce attorney and author of "Divorce: It's All About Control How To Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars," (www.controlyourdivorce.com) is concerned about those divorced couples with children who may be tempted to play "divorce war games" with one another over the holidays - using the kids as collateral damage. She offers them the following 10 tips:

1. Try therapy. If you are stressing over the emotional duress of the holiday season head to your therapist for some "centering."

2. Forgo the "one-upsmanship" game: Don't try to "out-do" the other parent with gifts because it makes the kids feel torn.

3. Be flexible. Give in a little with the visitation schedule.

4. Include others. Be the bigger person and include your ex-spouse's new significant other in the festivities, even if you do not like him/her.

5. Be charitable to those less fortunate: Ask your children to join you in a kind act for the needy. It will divert your focus away from your own hurt or pain.

6. Spend more time with friends and family. See what you and your children can do to make their holidays more cheery.

7. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Enough said!

8. Show the children what the holidays really mean. They are all about giving.

9. Dwell on the overall theme: No matter what your spiritual beliefs may be, harmony is the ultimate goal. It starts with you.

10. Make plans for the New Year: Dwell on what good will come after the holidays and let the children help you schedule some fun events that you can do together. Stacy D. Phillips, managing partner at Phillips, Lerner, Lauzon & Jamra, Los Angeles, is a certified family law specialist and author of "Divorce: It's All About Control How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars." Phillips represents business executives, homemakers, and celebrities in film, television, music, sports, and politics.

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Even though child support and alimony payments are spelled out in explicit detail as part of divorce settlement agreements, most divorced women and children don’t receive the money they are owed.

In fact, according to the most recent statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, less than half of the parents who are owed child support actually receive the full amount.  About one-third receive only a portion of the total due, and nearly one-quarter receive none of the child support they are owed.

Alimony payment statistics are not available, but from what we’ve heard at Bedrock Divorce, it seems divorced women often have trouble receiving alimony payments in full, too.

Unfortunately, most exes –and yes, it’s typically ex-husbands –don’t honor the financial terms established in their divorce settlement agreements. Is there anything that can be done to remedy this situation? Does a divorced woman have any recourse when her ex-husband refuses to pay child support and/or alimony?

The answers to those questions contain both good news and some not-so-good news.  Let’s take a look at the good news first.

Child support

The remedies for payment of delinquent child support can be fairly straightforward. Under Title IV-D of the Social Security Act of 1975, each US state and territory must have an Office of Child Support Enforcement. Among their other responsibilities, these agencies can step in when notified that an ex is failing to make child support payments.  The state can pursue a variety of actions on order to recover the support that is legally due.  For instance, the state can:

Garnish wages. The state can take money directly from the non-payor’s paycheck.
Intercept certain funds. The state can withhold funds, such as tax refunds, unemployment insurance payments and workers’ compensation payments.
Place a lien on vehicles or real estate owned by the non-payor.
Administer a writ or execution. The non-payor’s property can be seized and sold to help make up for the delinquent payments.
Suspend a passport or certain licenses. The non-payor’s passport and his driver’s license, professional license, recreational licenses, etc. can all be suspended.
Notify credit bureaus. Delinquent child support can be viewed as unpaid debt and so, it can negatively affect the non-payor’s credit score.
Prosecute criminally. Under certain circumstances, the non-payor can be criminally charged and potentially face jail time and fines.
Alimony

A judge can order similar actions against an ex-husband who fails to pay alimony –but of course, you’ll have to go to court to prove the case against him. A judge can garnish his wages, suspend his licenses, etc., and although the specific consequences of failing to pay alimony vary from state to state, failing to pay alimony as outlined in a divorce agreement is always considered contempt of court. Disobeying a court order is a very serious offense, punishable by fines and/or jail time.

So, the good news is that there are a variety of legal remedies to help divorced women receive the child support and alimony payments they are owed. Here’s the not-so-good news: It’s not easy to get an ex to pay.

I think most lawyers would agree that financial support (whether it’s child support or alimony) is the one area where most “games” are played by ex-husbands. Some hide assets. Others cheat on taxes or lie about their earnings.

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Christmas has always been our favorite time of year, but since the divorce, the kids’ dad and I are not getting along and we have less money. Any ideas on how to survive the holidays?

All families experience additional stress during celebrations and holidays, but divorced families can be pushed to the limit. We are headed into a time when everyone is expected to be happy and full of good cheer; maybe your heart is in shreds, the kids are fighting and you are flat broke. Restructuring a family even in the most amicable divorce is not easy. Roles are altered, traditions change and parents will spend important celebrations and holidays without their children. Here are 10 ideas to help you enjoy the holidays.

1. Agree on the schedule well in advance. Whether you alternate important holidays, spend them together or split the day, parents and children need to know what to expect.

2. Set the tone for your children. If you complain about having less money for presents, and approach the holidays with dread or anger at your ex, your children will take your cue and join you in having a miserable time. If instead, you make homemade gifts together and try new activities, you are more likely to have fun.

3. If there is conflict, it is very important to keep it away from the children. A young teen said it best, “Christmas and birthdays used to be fun. They are really awful since Mom and Dad started to fight over who gets to have us. We don’t care where we spend Christmas, we just want the fighting to stop.”

4. Don’t shower your children with presents. Buying more gifts doesn’t prove that you are a good parent, make guilt go away or show that you love the children best. If you can’t keep up with your ex’s spending, do creative projects with your children — bake cookies, make presents or go on inexpensive excursions. If you can’t do it all — don’t.

5. Plan what to do with alone time. Reach out to family and friends for support. Volunteer. Enjoy your religious traditions. Invite single friends to do something new. Be active — go skiing or hiking. Take in a good comedy.

6. Don’t overindulge. Holidays are by definition, a time of overindulgence, however, if you drink too much, overspend your budget or commit more time and energy than you have, you will pay for it later. Decide beforehand if it is going to be worth it. Make a plan for if you are asked to commit to more than you can handle.

7. Have part of a celebration in each home, rather than trying to orchestrate multiple events. Imagine being shuffled from home to home for complete festivities with Mom, with Dad and then the grandparents, too. Since children can take only so much stimulation before a melt down, some divorced parents get together to open presents with the children. Others spread things out by opening one present each evening.

8. Lower your expectations. Sometimes we expect more from a holiday than is possible to experience. Remember that the only perfect families are on TV.

9. Combine traditions and make the holidays uniquely yours. Remarried parents may have a number of traditions living under one roof in a blended family. Enlist the children’s help to plan a new family celebration, combining traditions from all sides of the family.

10. An idea borrowed from psychotherapist, Jill Curtis: Remember there are 364 other days in the year.

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The number of couples getting divorced is increasing, according to figures published today. Data published by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) showed the number of divorces in England and Wales in 2010 was 119,589, a 4.9% increase since 2009, when there were 113,949 divorces.

It is the first year the number of divorces has increased since 2003. The figures equate to a rate of 11.1 people divorcing per 1,000 of the married population in 2010, up from a rate of 10.5 in 2009, the ONS said. Fiona Wood, a partner with the law firm Pannone, said: "I suspect that the number of divorces climbed in 2010 due to the effects of the recession, which really began in earnest in 2008, starting to impact on personal circumstances.

"Finances are one of many reasons for divorce, and a downturn can take time to translate from bad news for business to job losses, money worries and problems at home. Such tensions do not instantly result in divorce, possibly because some couples try to work through their difficulties before going their separate ways.

"It is also worth considering whether recession is the cause of divorce or if it merely exacerbates existing issues. I think that the latter is more likely to be true."Compared with 2009, divorce rates rose across all age groups for women, while for men the rates increased in all age groups above 25 years.

Women in their late 20s had the highest divorce rates of all the female age groups, with 25.9 females divorcing per 1,000 married women aged 25 to 29. In comparison, men in their early 30s had the highest rates, with 22.5 men divorcing per 1,000 aged 30 to 34.

Meanwhile, the ONS figures revealed the average age at divorce increased slightly for men and women in 2010 - it was 44.2 for men in 2010 compared with 44 in 2009, and 41.7 for women compared with 41.5 in 2009. Almost a fifth of men and women who divorced in 2010 had their previous marriage end in divorce.

Ms Wood said: "What is also interesting about these latest figures is that it appears that romance is not dead. Almost a fifth of men and women who were divorced in 2010 had been divorced before, which shows that they were prepared to try marriage again after divorce, which can be a very unpleasant process."

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The Office for National Statistics said there were 119,589 divorces in 2010 compared with 113,949 in 2009. When the divorce rate last rose in 2003, there were 153,065 break-ups, a rise from 147,735 the previous year. The number of divorces last year was highest among men and women aged 40 to 44, the ONS added. The divorce rate increased from 10.5 divorcing people per thousand of the married population in 2009, to 11.1 per thousand in 2010.

'Delayed impact'
The ONS said the increase may be linked with the difficult economic climate, following the recession. "The figures show that divorce rates continued their downward trend during 2008 and 2009 but increased in 2010," its report said. "This could be consistent with the theory that recession is associated with an increased risk of divorce, but with a delayed impact, perhaps reflecting a couple's wait for an economic recovery to lift the value of their assets or the time lag between separation and obtaining a decree absolute.

"A similar trend can be seen during the previous recession in 1990-92, where divorce rates increased more markedly in 1993 than during the recession itself."Seven out of 10 divorces in 2010 involved couples who were both in their first marriage - the rest had at least one partner who had been previously divorced or widowed.

Civil partnerships
Two-thirds of decrees were granted to the wife. Unreasonable behaviour by the husband was the "fact proven" in 55% of cases brought by the wife, while the same by the wife was the cause in 35% of claims by the husband. Half of couples divorcing in 2010 had at least one child aged under 16 living with the family. The ONS said a third of marriages begun in 1995 had ended in divorce by their 15th anniversary. This compares to just over a fifth of marital unions from 1970 failing inside 15 years.

Dissolutions of civil partnership also increased in 2010, but the ONS said this was to be expected because of their relatively new status and therefore the numbers of those entering such partnerships increasing. In the UK as a whole, the number of divorces rose by 4.5% to 132,223 in 2010 from 126,496 in 2009. The number of divorces in Scotland fell by 3.2% from 10,371 to 10,034. In Northern Ireland, it increased 20% to 2,600 from 2,176.

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Most women wait until after the holidays to move forward with their divorces –and that’s completely understandable. Many don’t want to disrupt family traditions for their children. Some welcome the distraction offered by the hustle and bustle of the season. And, of course, others want to avoid the discussions that inevitably seem to arise whenever and wherever relatives gather.

Interestingly, though, January is the month when most divorces are filed. Obviously, turning the page towards a New Year inspires a fresh start –and that’s completely understandable, too. If you’re headed in that direction, it makes sense to spend a little time this month planning ahead. You can do so discreetly, and then know that you’ll truly be ready to start the New Year on the right foot. To help get you begin, here are a few things you can do now to help make the divorce process smoother in 2012:

1. Start collecting financial documents. Watch the mail for year-end statements from banks, credit card companies, etc.  As we outline in our Divorce Financial Checklist, preparing for divorce requires gathering all the relevant documents related to your bank and brokerage accounts, credit cards, mortgages, etc. Once you have collected them, make copies, and take them to a trusted friend/family member, or use a safe deposit box that your husband can’t access.

2. Check your credit report. While you’re gathering your financial records, keep a careful eye on your credit card statements, and if you haven’t already done so, request a copy of your credit report. Once you have the report, monitor your score carefully so you’ll be the first to know if any unusual activity occurs.  (For example, is your husband using your joint credit cards to buy his girlfriend gifts this holiday season?)  See my post, How To Protect Your Credit Score During Your Divorce, for more tips

3. Research divorce professionals in your area. If you want to ensure the best possible outcome for your divorce, take the time to build a qualified divorce team. I recommend you start with these three players: a matrimonial/family law attorney, a divorce financial planner and a therapist/counselor. Spend some time this month researching divorce professionals and create a short list of candidates for each position. Schedule interviews with each top contender in January, and rest easy knowing that by February 2012, you’ll be benefiting from the expert guidance of a top-notch divorce team.

4. Open new accounts in your name. Moving forward as a single woman in 2012 will require that you have a bank account and credit cards in your name. Lay the groundwork now.  Don’t use the bank where you currently have your joint accounts. Go to a different bank and open both a savings and a checking account in your name. You’ll need your own credit card, too, so you should start that process now, as well. New federal regulations are making it harder than ever for women with little or no income to establish credit on their own. You can do it. But, plan accordingly and know that securing credit is going to be more complicated than just filling out an application or making a single phone call.

5. Remain vigilant. Is your husband using the good cheer of the holidays as cover while he dissipates family assets? Be attentive, and if you are concerned at all about financial shenanigans by your husband, you may want to think twice about filing a joint return with him for 2011.

Some women who are considering divorce let the holidays get them down. Don’t be one of them. Use this opportunity to start planning ahead, and you’ll be able to start the New Year confident that you are on the way to a more stable and secure financial future.

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For children, divorce can be life-changing. While some parents manage the situation in unison, others can end up fighting repeatedly about raising methods and education, which can affect the precious emotional balance of their offspring.

ADR deputy Jean Colombera stressed that while there is no ''miracle solution'' he is worried about the consequences of a difficult divorce. In a parliamentary question he asked Family Minister Marie Josée Jacobs what the government intends to do in order to protect children's well-being.

The law currently does not specifically require parents to act in the interest of their children. While nobody can force two adults to stay married, it is up to the parents to manage the situation while putting their children first.

There are public family services that can offer help for those who ask for it. In the case of serious parental discord, mediation centres could offer important advice for conflict management. Marie-Josée Jacobs said that organisations like Families First or FARE are there to offer their support to families in crisis.

''There are many aides which parents can benefit from, which are voluntary at the request of parents or families and as such it is presupposed that the parents really want to manage their conflicts in the interest of their children'', the minister said. Apart from judicial interventions, there are currently no legal rulse to force parents to help in the emotional well-being and education of their children.

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At times like this, a girl's thoughts naturally turn to divorce. Don't get me wrong: I'm not keen on losing the co-parent just yet. My children are way too small to handle on my own. But it could be useful to know just how likely it is that he'll leave me. Or, for that matter, how likely it is that I will leave him. And, as we all know, if you need it, then the internet provides it: the good people at www.divorce360.com have a handy calculator to work out the odds of divorce.

The answer to its first question establishes your gender. Then, if you're a woman, the next question asks whether you have children. But, oddly, if you're a man, this question doesn't exist. I wasn't sure why children should affect one parent more than another.

Why have children not been factored into this quiz for men? Surely both partners contribute equally to, and are equally affected by, the making and raising of children? Surely. A little dumbfounded by the silliness of this, I browsed around for the answer to why children would affect one partner's marriage credentials more than another's. "Children throw a marriage out of whack," one wise person said on a marriage website. We know this.

Nothing is ever the same for anybody, man or woman , married or not, after a child is born. Once children enter the scene, and often the marital bed, there is no time, there is far less money, and there is often an end to a couple's romantic relationship. This, of course, could lead to all kinds of extra-mural activities, and often to divorce.

But back to the question of why having children is relevant to women and not to men in this calculator. Not, I hope, because of what some marital experts suggest. Women, they say, emotionally desert their husbands and "cleave" themselves to their children.

Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, in their book The Politically Incorrect Wife, say that "to replace [your marital relationship with your relationship with your children] is to alter God's plan for your life".

I don't like the idea of somebody else planning my life. But I have to accept that for now, it is dictated by three small responsibilities. And for as long as they are small, there is little space in my life for the big, independent man who shares my home.

For now he'll have to hang in, as I do, and wait for some emotional space to be made available once the children's neediness eases up. There is little reason at this stage for me to want a divorce. The calculator depicts a less than 10% chance of my leaving, and a 10% chance of my husband leaving me.

But next year, on our 10th anniversary, if I have to hear that we've been married for "10 years each", I'll pack my bags immediately. A joke is funny once, if it's funny at all.

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