An Omamas reader recently wrote that her daughter's close friend moved from their neighborhood because her parents divorced. The girls went from playing together almost daily to seeing each other only occasionally, and both seemed sad and confused by the change. The mom sought advice on helping her daughter understand and cope with the change.
Helping children deal with divorce isn't easy. Even if divorce has not affected your own family, a child who sees a friend's parents split up may ask you some tough questions or need help handling the change to a friendship.
Social worker Kelly Love-Geiger works with the Kids' Turn curriculum as part of Washington County's parent education requirement for divorcing couples. She notes that the family unit is the basic framework by which children understand the world, so divorce can shake their world view. Finding out that parents don't always stay together can be scary.
By email, Love-Geiger offered this advice to the Omamas reader: "Seeing a friend go through divorce could bring up questions and worries for a child. You might talk with your daughter about how families can change but parents will always love their kids. You may want to tell your daughter that her friend may be having a lot of different feelings right now and that she might act differently sometimes but that the two can still be friends. If it is appropriate ... try to set up some play dates for the girls so they can maintain their friendship."
The situation becomes infinitely more challenging when you and your spouse are divorcing. Love-Geiger says one of the most important tasks is to help your child manage the classic fears kids have about divorce: Kids often imagine they somehow caused the divorce, so reassure them often that they had nothing to do with it.
Kids may also reason that if parents can stop loving each other, they could also stop loving their children. Make sure you emphasize that even though the family will live apart, the family will love and take care of the child forever.