Christmas has always been our favorite time of year, but since the divorce, the kids’ dad and I are not getting along and we have less money. Any ideas on how to survive the holidays?
All families experience additional stress during celebrations and holidays, but divorced families can be pushed to the limit. We are headed into a time when everyone is expected to be happy and full of good cheer; maybe your heart is in shreds, the kids are fighting and you are flat broke. Restructuring a family even in the most amicable divorce is not easy. Roles are altered, traditions change and parents will spend important celebrations and holidays without their children. Here are 10 ideas to help you enjoy the holidays.
1. Agree on the schedule well in advance. Whether you alternate important holidays, spend them together or split the day, parents and children need to know what to expect.
2. Set the tone for your children. If you complain about having less money for presents, and approach the holidays with dread or anger at your ex, your children will take your cue and join you in having a miserable time. If instead, you make homemade gifts together and try new activities, you are more likely to have fun.
3. If there is conflict, it is very important to keep it away from the children. A young teen said it best, “Christmas and birthdays used to be fun. They are really awful since Mom and Dad started to fight over who gets to have us. We don’t care where we spend Christmas, we just want the fighting to stop.”
4. Don’t shower your children with presents. Buying more gifts doesn’t prove that you are a good parent, make guilt go away or show that you love the children best. If you can’t keep up with your ex’s spending, do creative projects with your children — bake cookies, make presents or go on inexpensive excursions. If you can’t do it all — don’t.
5. Plan what to do with alone time. Reach out to family and friends for support. Volunteer. Enjoy your religious traditions. Invite single friends to do something new. Be active — go skiing or hiking. Take in a good comedy.
6. Don’t overindulge. Holidays are by definition, a time of overindulgence, however, if you drink too much, overspend your budget or commit more time and energy than you have, you will pay for it later. Decide beforehand if it is going to be worth it. Make a plan for if you are asked to commit to more than you can handle.
7. Have part of a celebration in each home, rather than trying to orchestrate multiple events. Imagine being shuffled from home to home for complete festivities with Mom, with Dad and then the grandparents, too. Since children can take only so much stimulation before a melt down, some divorced parents get together to open presents with the children. Others spread things out by opening one present each evening.
8. Lower your expectations. Sometimes we expect more from a holiday than is possible to experience. Remember that the only perfect families are on TV.
9. Combine traditions and make the holidays uniquely yours. Remarried parents may have a number of traditions living under one roof in a blended family. Enlist the children’s help to plan a new family celebration, combining traditions from all sides of the family.
10. An idea borrowed from psychotherapist, Jill Curtis: Remember there are 364 other days in the year.