Because getting a divorce ends a marriage, but not a family, some divorcing spouses with children are investing in couple therapy. Possible outcomes of the therapy range from consistent parenting between households to cordial relations between parents.

Imagine the positive ways your child would benefit from having divorced parents appear together at ball games or gymnastics events. Doing so in a cordial manner would allay fears of arguments when parents get together or what can be worse non-verbal tension. One of the biggest challenges with such couples comes from the level of anger stemming from months, years, or even decades of dissonance.

In this type of couple therapy, we first need to develop trust between the three people in the room. This typically takes time, and only when trust is there can the most significant progress be made. This leads to the question of what you can do to increase the odds that the couple therapy goes smoothly.

It is important to keep an active dialogue with the therapist around how you are feeling about the process. For example, if you do feel patient and confident in the process, then the therapist can plant seeds of insight that can later sprout as the process goes on.

Though not a fast process, “seed planting” leads toward a level of insight that should result in long-term gains. Even on the brink of divorce, and regardless of the level of anger, hurt, disappointment, etc., almost anything can be accomplished with enough time and effort on all sides.

If you feel impatient but trust is there, and you are willing to do a lot of work between sessions, it can be helpful to put a time limit on the therapy. For instance, you can say to the therapist that you would like to accomplish as much as possible within five sessions. Include a specific goal to be met.

This keeps the focus narrow enough to get somewhere in a short period of time so that you can see measurable results. The therapist can use, for example, a brief therapy model involving giving many behavioral suggestions, with the idea that at least one can help.

If there has been a history of trouble getting on the same page about parenting, Behavioral Family Therapy (creating a behavioral plan involving a different way of parenting, based on your family’s unique characteristics) can produce effective change for your child, placing each parent on the same page, even if ultimately in separate households.

Brief therapy is most effective when people follow through on suggestions. Examples of what a therapist might suggest include a recommendation to get evaluations or individual therapy for anxiety, developmental disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, etc.

Specific tasks may be to practice reflective listening, non-verbal communication, prayer, mediation, relaxation exercises, or even complaining about each other in a controlled manner. It is also key to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies, or these prophecies can easily sabotage even best therapeutic interventions.

With increasing trust and effective interventions starting to make positive changes, the therapist may then help to decrease a couple’s tension by helping the couple to not infer negativity from benign statements. For example, if a husband says he will be attending an optional conference on parenting and the wife says she is happy to hear it, then taking her statement as supportive would improve relations.

Habituating this shift can make a tremendous impact on how the divorcing couple relates to each other, and ultimately your child’s future. There is one caution: A rare side effect of this therapeutic process is that couples learn to work together so well that they cancel the divorce.