I  meet so many people that are going through or have been through divorces now. Some of them I knew before but as someone who hadn’t really been through one that was tough I hate to say it but I didn’t listen. Or rather I didn’t hear them. It is just incredible, now that I’m going through this one, how much I am hearing now. I want to share with you some of the stories that people are telling me.

I have one from Lori, a good friend of mine, that is different from mine. I’m sure that there will be a lot of you out there who have been through this same type of relationship or might still be in it. To me she is an inspiration and I told her I had to share it.

Lori wrote in an email to me-“My experience was so different from yours. I was married for 18 years and was stuck in a verbally/mentally abusive relationship the whole time. The divorce was my idea after I finally decided I'd had enough. But I do understand your feelings regarding your divorce. I look at all those years that I was such a good wife and mother, yet I had to live in my little prison where I had no social life.

I poured my whole life into my family and gave nothing to myself. It's still hard for me to try and put myself ahead of others because I'm not accustomed to that. After all the abuse, it beat down my self-esteem and kinda put me in a shell. I'm slowly trying to break loose of it. Without the Lord though, I know I would have never made it all those years.

Prayer was the one thing that got me through each day. I will probably always live with some guilt of a failed marriage, but I keep reminding myself that it wasn't ME who caused it to fail. I gave it all I could and tried so hard to hang on and not give into "divorce"....but a person can only take so much. I also listen to my girls who tell me that I deserve better and I deserve to be happy.”

I had to reply-“Thank you so much for sharing with me. That must have been really hard for you to endure for so long. there are a lot of people who never have to courage to get out of it. I am so proud of you. You are an inspiration to others and I’m not even sure if you realize it. all those people who still endure what you did and don't have the courage or feel so alone.”

She is an inspiration. She had the courage to leave a relationship that she was so dependant on. One that made her feel small and unimportant. Isn’t it amazing too how our kids can see things that we don’t. After my husband left my kids really kicked in and started to tell me things about my husband behavior that I didn’t like. When I asked them why they never said anything, they said, “Mom you were in love.” Just a short statement that says a lot.

I think some of us truly are in love so much that we will do anything to make a relationship work, even when it isn’t healthy to either person. We are taught in our generation to look at marriage as a thing you have to “settle” into. That is a really bad word to use in the same sentence as marriage. You don’t have to settle.

If we stepped into a marriage as a union of two people, rather than an agreement or settlement, than we would look at it more seriously. We wouldn’t get into it thinking of it as a contract that needs to be upheld. We would get into it cause we are ready for it. We truly want to be with this person for the long haul. Not because we have a contract with God or the state, but because we can live with this person no matter what they do to us, our kids or our lives.

I looked back over some emails between my ex and I. The ones I started with were actually very loving and almost inspirational as far as relationships go. Then I got to the ones where it started to change. They got worse and worse with more tension and harsh words. I looked at the dates of all these emails and realized that the good ones were about 6 months before he left.

The bad ones were only two months before he left. I couldn’t believe that he could not live with two months of bad out of a 5 year marriage and 7 year relationship. No wonder I was sick all the time. I was in a marriage that constantly sat on the edge. If two months is going to throw him over, I must have felt that the whole time, that is nothing. He must have had one foot out the door from the get go.

Reading those emails helped me to see exactly what was going on. That combined with my kids telling me what they saw, gave me some perspective. When I closed out the emails I took another deep breath. I read the divorce papers again and this time I didn’t cry and I didn’t get mad.

My heart did break anymore than it already had, as a matter of fact, I think a little spot got stitched up. I pulled up my response papers on the computer and wrote the truth. The whole and complete truth. I asked for what I felt I deserved, not what I wanted to take away from him. I looked at our relationship for what it was. With no spite or revenge I filed my response and served his attorney.

When I got home and opened the door the house looked different to me. The whole world looked different to me. I felt like Lori. I knew that the relationship was making me sick and that I would be ok. No matter what he said or what was done, I would be ok. It was the right thing. I took another deep breath and I stepped into my home. Not our home anymore, my home, another step forward.

I had felt the same guilt that Lori talked about, but Lori and everyone else involved in divorce needs to realize what I finally did that day. There is no fault here. Yes someone in the marriage may have made some mistakes but it’s over. No matter what we do it is over. There is no guilt to be had or hang on to. Two people just could not live together. Sometimes two people just don’t belong together, that is no one’s fault. Take your deep breaths like I do and step forward and move on another step.